“In exchange for being liked, I gave most of my time and energy away for free.”
Dear reader,
Does the title sound familiar?
Do you, too, find yourself resentful after bending over backward and making other people’s lives work, only to realize you still have a mountain of work to do on your own?
For the longest time, this was me to a “T”. I can’t say why, exactly, I am such a people pleaser. I hypothesize that it has to do with being empathetic and highly sensitive. I don’t like feeling other people’s negative emotions – distrust, contempt, anger, jealousy, or frustration, and so I’d do whatever it took to make their priorities work so they would be happy.
But you know where that left me? Strung out, working too many jobs to make ends meet, and all because I hadn’t put my needs ahead of theirs. To do so feels selfish. Isn’t that amazing?
Curiously, when you finally draw the line and create “boundaries”, it feels as if you’re saying “No.” But, what I learned in the past few years is that doing so isn’t saying “no” to someone else. Instead, it’s saying “Yes!” to myself and my needs.
What I learned in the past few years is that doing so isn’t saying “no” to someone else. Instead, it’s saying “Yes!” to myself and my needs.
Mandy Froelich
Tired of asking God, “When is the next opportunity or big break going to come”, I finally had to realize that I was the one standing in the way of my own happiness and my own success. Recently, I realized that it was due to failing to maintain laser vision on what I know is most important – my family and what we are building.
If people are upset that I’m no longer freely giving my time, energy, and creative attunement to propel them along the path, well, then that’s their own issue. My job isn’t to do the work for them. Rather, as a coach and a consultant, I can help them build the plan and then, without reservation, step back and allow them to either do the work – or not.
The harsh truth is that most people are afraid of hard work. And, when confronted with the possibilities in front of them, the average person often behave in a scattered way. They’re not sure what to focus on. Where I’ve failed in the past is thinking my job was to keep them on the trail – to hold the “shiny” star in front of them so they’d be willing to do the work and finally achieve their dreams.
But it’s not my job. My job and what I am capable of is to help build the plan, to construct the map, and then to cheer for them… NOT walk alongside them and do the work for them.
I’m writing this out because I’ve come back to this realization time and time again but finally feel as if I can put it into action. I’m tired of being expected to do A-Z, when my job is merely A-C. And, I know I’m not alone.
The hurdle for many creative entrepreneurs is to stay on their own paths, especially when they hope to offer goods or a service to the world. Maintaining healthy boundaries is tough. There is no way around it. But, as I’ve mentioned, it is the only way forward that doesn’t lead to burnout and resentment.
If you’re reading this, know these truths:
- You deserve to focus on YOUR goals and dreams
- It is NOT selfish to say “No” to those who expect you to do the work for them
- It is OK to say “No” to clients and opportunities that do not honor your boundaries or energetic needs
- You CAN feel into situations and know if they resonate or not, and that can be enough to determine if they’re right for you
- You are not an asshole for putting your needs first (I have to remind myself of this one often)
I’d love to know your thoughts. Does this sound familiar? How do you deal with the creation of healthy boundaries without feeling like a jerk?
Love,
Mandy Froelich
